*Trigger Warning*
Its Eating Disorder Awareness Week this week and not something I talk often about. I may time to time drop comments on the subject on my socials, but never in depth, so this is really the first time I am speaking on it
Unfortunately, Im all too versed on this subject, which originates and stems from my back ground in ballet. Due to the pressures of what is required of us, predominately, to be as small as possible, it came at a cost of your are health an mental wellbeing
I remembering looking at the other girls to see what they had eaten / not eaten every meal time and whatever they did, I copied or aim to eat less. I wouldn’t hardly see daylight for days on end because of our long days in the studio and I became so pale and frail even my own parents were shocked when they saw me on half term breaks
When I came out of the ballet world, I thought things would be different and I had left that behind but fast forward to my mid 20s, things really took a turn. I wasn’t overweight or anything like that, obviously I was slightly bigger than I had been when I was training, but regardless, I wanted to drop some body fat after coming back from a holiday. I slowly started cutting out alcohol at the weekends and then I found myself cutting back on carbs, like bread, pasta and rice. Little did I know I would start to take things to the extreme
I restricted pretty much all food so all that was left for me to consume was chicken, vegetables, melon and eggs… yep, that was it. I'd also make sure I was training at least 6 times a week, if not 7, only ever stopping when I had burned off at LEAST 500 calories every time
It was usually sprints on the treadmill and a circuit that had to last AT least 32 mins and I did it like clockwork. Every single week for months and months. It didn't matter that I was tired, lethargic and extremely tired, it had to be done. There were days I'd be with my ex partner and not be able to go on days out or have conversations with him because I was that exhausted.
After months of restriction and excessive training, I dropped from 55kg to just under 48kg ( 47.7 ) to be precise. Still, I was convinced I was big. I would check the mirror 5 times a day, weigh myself 10 and constantly pull and prod at my skin, checking I still had my abs after eating.
It wasn't long till I started to experience stomach pains and my hunger had become so extreme that it was just too uncomfortable. I began eating in secret, grabbing everything and anything I could. At the time I had no idea what was going on as it was like an out of body experience most of the time. Once I had done it the first time, it started to happen again and again and again. The guilt, shame and embarrassment washed over me instantly and I felt horrific every time.
Soon enough, my body was sore. I couldn't recover becuase my body was depleted and I wasn't able to train because I always felt so poorly, making me feel worse about myself and consequently I ate more, hating this body I was in. My mindset and mental wellbeing had completely taken a nose dive and I had no idea how I was going to even get out of the "hole" I found myself in.
Sadly, I didnt have anyone to turn to initially. My family didnt understand, my friends, my partner and to be honest, I was too ashamed and embarrassed at the time to even truly open up to anyone. I mean, I was a coach in the fitness industry. I wasn't "allowed" to have problems ?
It took me a long time to finally submit myself and get the support I needed. Years of therapy, self help books, constantly reading and practicing and I still do to this day.
Fast forward to 2021 and I am now in a much better place and am slowly feeling more and more comfortable in my body. Though my relationship with food isn't completely healed and I don't think it ever will be, as the anxiety and stress still creeps up on me, I can now say that Im much happier and I can even speak on without feeling those feelings of shame, guilt and embarrassment.
But it has taken its time. Past experiences of doing ballet, being bullied and having constant pangs of self doubt had led me to take on these behaviours and down a path of self destruction and although at the time, it seemed impossible to overcome, its absolutely 100% possible. Knowing who to turn too and talk too is key. SO if it's something you are currently battling, then do reach out as I am always happy to listen as Ive been there myself. Otherwise, I always advise to seek expert help, such as:
BEAT 0808 801 0677
MIND 03000 11 12 13
NHS 111
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